I wrote this story in Japanese, and it was translated into English with the help of AI.
(Note: This story contains some sexual content and may not be suitable for readers under 15.)
When I was a child, someone read me a book. It was a story about a lonely man who had been alone for many, many years. He could only love one person in his entire lifetime, and he spent those long years searching for that one love.
I thought it was such a sad story. I wished with all my heart that his soulmate would appear right away and save him.
But now, I can’t find that book anywhere. I don’t even remember who read it to me. I asked around, but no one knew.
The first time we met, I thought, She’s kind of my type.
I hadn’t even wanted to go to that gathering, but my friend dragged me there, saying I hadn’t had a girlfriend in almost two years.
When I heard she was older than me, I was honestly a bit taken aback. It wasn’t like I cared that much about age, but I’d only dated younger women before. They were sweet when they acted clingy, and I liked how they relied on me.
But two years ago, my girlfriend at the time cheated on me. With a junior coworker I had mentored. I was the only one who hadn’t noticed for months—even though the three of us had gone out drinking together more than once.
When I found out about the cheating, I applied for a transfer to Osaka, something I’d been hoping for anyway. Still, my family and many friends were in Tokyo, so I often came back. One of those times, a friend from my single days invited me to a group date.
I hadn’t even talked that much with Shino, but for some reason, she lingered in my mind after the night was over. I realized I’d only been thinking about her, not anyone else from that gathering.
Then, by pure coincidence, I ran into her in Osaka. She said she was visiting a friend who had moved to Kyoto and just stopped by Osaka on the way. I never imagined such a coincidence would happen, but we ended up having dinner together, exchanged numbers, and started dating not long after.
At first, I wasn’t sure about dating an older woman, but it turned out to be not bad—maybe because it was Shino. Before I knew it, I was completely taken with her.
Depending on our schedules, we met at least three times a month on weekends. Since Shino lived alone in Tokyo, we started staying at each other’s places.
“You’re such a good cook, Souta.”
“Well, I’ve been living alone for a long time.”
That day, Shino was at my place. She cooked too, but I didn’t mind cooking either, so I usually made meals when she came over. She always ate with joy, saying how delicious everything was.
“I really need to get better at cooking so I don’t lose to you.”
“Come on, you’re a good cook too.”
And she was—her home-cooked meals were always delicious.
“Really? I’m glad you think so.”
When I complimented her, she smiled so happily. Seeing that smile erased all my work stress like it never existed.
After we cleaned up together, I lay on the sofa and rested my head on her lap. Her thighs were soft and comfortable.
Whenever I rested there, Shino gently stroked my head. It felt so nice I often dozed off. Once, I actually fell asleep like that, and she stayed in the same position for nearly three hours. When she stood up, she almost fell over, and I had to catch her. Her legs had gone numb.
So, I tried not to fall asleep anymore.
“Shino, your legs aren’t numb, right?”
“Nope, I’m fine.”
“Tell me if you get tired.”
“I will. But I actually like being like this.”
Shino never complains. But I’m usually the one who initiates our meetups. Maybe it’s just that I make the plans before she gets the chance to.
Still, I sometimes feel uneasy. I wonder if she really wants to be with me. She rarely says she loves me. That vague insecurity probably comes from that.
What’s going on, I wonder? He seems to be in a bad mood today. He won’t even look me in the eyes.
Even though it’s been two weeks since we last saw each other, this is just… heartbreaking.
We’re in a long-distance relationship, so it’s not like we can see each other often.
And of course, we both have jobs, which makes it even harder.
That’s why the time we do get to spend together is so precious to me.
I glanced resentfully at Souta, who was playing a game on the TV, but of course, that didn’t change anything.
He hadn’t told me to leave, so… maybe I’ll just take a shower?
It’s already late, and leaving now would be a bit much.
Resigned, I grabbed my change of clothes and headed to the bathroom. The bath wasn’t filled, so I just used the shower.
If Souta goes to his room, I guess I’ll sleep on the couch…
Should I head home early tomorrow morning? Or wait until he decides to talk to me…?
While I was showering, the bathroom door suddenly burst open.
“Whoa!!”
Startled, I turned around to find Souta stepping into the bathroom, clearly irritated.
I was totally shocked. We’ve always agreed not to take baths together.
We did it once, back when we first started dating, but I turned him down gently after that.
Bathrooms are for cleaning, and it’s a little embarrassing to be seen in such a bright space.
I thought he understood that—but he just came in without warning.
“You scared me… You could’ve at least said something.”
I said that, but Souta didn’t respond.
Instead, he suddenly pressed his lips to mine.
It wasn’t like his usual gentle kisses—it was forceful.
His hands roamed all over my body, and his kiss grew deeper and deeper.
My weak resistance meant nothing—I realized I had no strength to stop him.
It wasn’t just forceful—it was rough.
He turned me to face the bathroom wall.
His grip on my chest was strong enough to hurt.
“S-Souta… what’s going on with you?”
Still, he didn’t answer.
Even with how aggressive he was, he meticulously put on protection.
His hands finally let go of me, but I stayed still, feeling like moving would just make things worse.
Souta entered me with force. But it didn’t hurt.
Even in that, he was strangely considerate.
Once it was over, Souta quickly left the bathroom.
What on earth… What’s really going on with him?
But I’m not going to let things end like this.
I quickly followed after Souta and stepped out of the bathroom.
“Souta, wait.”
He still didn’t say anything.
While I was drying off, he had already changed into his sweats and walked out of the washroom, leaving me behind.
I hurriedly put on the clothes I’d brought and chased after him again.
But he wasn’t in front of the TV.
With my hair still wet, I went straight to his room.
Souta was sitting on the bed.
He knew I had come in, but he didn’t even look my way.
“Souta, seriously… what’s going on today? What happened?”
He didn’t reply.
He wouldn’t even look at me.
I grabbed his shoulder.
“You know I hate being ignored. Are you doing this on purpose?
Do you want me to leave this house?”
Still, nothing from him.
I let go of his shoulder, turned around, and started to leave the room.
I didn’t know what was happening, but maybe it was already over between us…
I had no choice but to hope time would fix things. But it hurt so much.
Just as I was about to walk out, Souta stood up and grabbed the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Out. Just leaving the house.”
At last, he was looking at me.
But this time, I wasn’t looking at him.
“It’s late. Where are you even going to stay?”
“I’ll find somewhere. Anywhere.”
“What if you can’t find a place?”
“What does it matter to you? Let go of me.”
No good… if I keep talking like this, things will just get worse.
But I couldn’t stop how I felt.
“I don’t want to.”
What does that even mean? How could he say that now?
“Then talk to me. Why are you acting so different today?”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“I think I have the right to know.”
Because… he came into the bathroom and was rough with me.
That’s why I believed I had the right to ask.
I glared at Souta.
He looked like he was in pain.
And seeing that… my anger started to melt away like ice.
“I’ll listen to whatever it is.
But if you really don’t want to talk, you don’t have to.”
“…Last Sunday. Who were you with?”
Souta finally spoke.
But I didn’t know what he was referring to.
“Last Sunday…? Oh, right. I think I had a meeting with a client.
Aside from that, I was probably just at home.”
“But it was a Sunday.”
“Yeah. But that was the only day that worked.
They have weekdays off, so I had to work around their schedule.
Don’t you believe me?”
“No, you don’t seem like you’re lying…”
Ah, so it was just a misunderstanding.
But honestly, it’s kind of sweet that he got jealous.
Though I guess it’s partly because I always try to be careful not to make him feel insecure.
“So… the misunderstanding is cleared up?
Then why are you still upset?”
Souta still seemed off.
“You must hate me now… for jumping to conclusions and being so rough with you.”
Ah… so that’s it.
He was feeling guilty about what happened earlier.
I hugged the sulking Souta tightly from the front.
“It’s okay. I wouldn’t start hating you over something like that.
And honestly… it made me kind of happy that you were jealous.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll never be rough again. Did I hurt you?”
As he said that, he hugged me tighter than usual—just to the edge of being painful.
“It didn’t hurt… but it was a little scary.”
“I’m sorry. I really am.”
This—this is what I love about him.
He’s usually so calm, but every now and then he acts purely on emotion… and I don’t mind it at all.
Because I want to accept all of him.
As long as Souta doesn’t want to let me go,
I want to stay by his side as much as possible.
I really mean that—from the bottom of my heart.
My precious, precious Souta.
I love you.
That’s why… I just want us to stay together for as long as we can.
But for some reason… I can’t shake the feeling that it’s all so fragile.
Like I don’t know what to do with that thought.
Maybe it’s because of that dream I’ve seen since I was little.
A dream of a man with a sad—no, pained—expression.
I always want to hold him, because just looking at him hurts me too.
But I don’t know who he is, or where he is.
And every time I wake up, I can’t remember his face at all.
Why do I feel so anxious sometimes?
I’ve dated plenty of women before, but I’ve never felt this kind of unease.
Is it because Shino is older than me?
Or because the woman I dated before her cheated on me?
I don’t know for sure.
Sometimes, I have unsettling dreams.
I wake up sweating, and I can’t even remember what the dream was about.
All I know is… I feel like Shino was in it.
Maybe it’s this anxiety that makes me want her more.
I want to be with her all the time.
The distance between us is frustrating.
“Souta, what’s wrong?”
“Oh, nothing… I just remembered something unpleasant.”
Today, I’m at Shino’s place.
She’s cooking for me, and I’ve been watching her.
It should be a peaceful, relaxing moment—
but for some reason, I start to feel uneasy.
It feels like… she might disappear.
“Let’s eat while it’s still warm.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
Shino sat across from me, gave me a warm smile, and started eating.
“Hey, Shino.”
“What is it? Did you not like it?”
“No, it’s really good. It’s just…
Would you maybe consider living together?”
Shino froze mid-bite, surprise flashing across her face.
Then she looked directly at me.
“We both have jobs, and we live far apart.
So… I think that’d be a bit difficult.”
“I know… I just wanted to say it out loud.”
“Isn’t there a chance your job might transfer you back to Tokyo?”
“Not right now. I asked to be placed where I am.”
“That’s right… Hmm, well then—how about we take turns visiting each other on weekends?
Starting Friday night instead of Saturday, like we do now.”
Her suggestion made me happy.
It really did.
But at the same time, it made me feel sad—
like maybe… there’s no real future for me and Shino.
Maybe she doesn’t actually want to be with me long-term…
I’ve never had thoughts like this with anyone else before.
I feel… so weak. So pathetic.
“Yeah, let’s do what we can, without overdoing it.”
“Mm-hm.”
Why is it, I wonder?
This anxiety just won’t go away.
It doesn’t feel like it’s about Souta.
But I’m sure it only started after I began dating him.
I truly want to be with Souta forever—
and yet, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s not going to happen.
Is it because of the physical distance between us?
What if, in the end, Souta finds himself drawn to someone closer…
and things just fall apart between us?
Work is important—for both of us.
That’s why we can’t live together.
It’s just something that can’t be helped.
Honestly, I don’t dislike the way things are now.
I spend the weekdays alone in my own place, working hard.
And though it’s not every time, we see each other on weekends.
Compared to constantly being together,
this arrangement makes me feel like I can be kinder and more considerate toward Souta.
Still… why do I feel so anxious?
Ever since Souta asked if we could live together,
I’ve been thinking about all of this while walking home.
I’d just left work and was on my way back.
Then suddenly—someone grabbed my arm as we passed each other.
I instinctively turned around to see who it was.
It was a tall man.
He had striking features—
in fact, people around us, especially the women, were turning to look at him.
He looked like a model or a celebrity.
But to me, right now, no one could compare to Souta.
And yet…
Why does this man feel so familiar?
The moment I saw his face, my chest tightened painfully.
“I…”
I started to speak, but then everything went hazy.
Just before I lost consciousness completely,
I realized—this was the man I had seen in my dreams, over and over.
When I came to, I was lying on my own bed.
The man who had grabbed my arm was sitting by my bedside.
Under normal circumstances, I should have been terrified—
a strange man, someone I didn’t even know, inside my home.
But I wasn’t afraid.
Instead, Souta’s face flashed through my mind,
and a painful ache filled my chest.
“I’m sorry for startling you so suddenly.
But I just… had to see you. I had to talk to you.”
His voice was deep and gentle as he spoke.
Something began to stir in the back of my mind—
but it was that same uneasy feeling I’d had ever since I started dating Souta.
So I forced it back down.
“I’ve waited so long to meet you.
And now, finally… I have.”
He told me he had lived alone for a long time.
Everyone around him had died.
But he couldn’t die.
He said that he would only be able to die
once he found the one person he could truly love.
He didn’t know who that person was—only that he would know the moment they met.
He had spent ages fighting loneliness,
waiting for that one person to appear.
And when she accepted him and they were united,
his time, which had been frozen, would finally begin to move again—
toward death.
“This… it’s something that appears every few generations in my bloodline.
Only when I leave behind a descendant can I be released.
But I can only have a child with one person.
And I’m only capable of falling in love once in my entire lifetime.”
He told me he had even tried taking his own life before.
It was hard to hear.
But I could feel the depth of his loneliness and suffering.
And yet—despite everything,
I believed him without even a flicker of doubt.
“I have someone I love right now.
And as I am now, I can’t accept anyone else.”
“I know,” he said.
“But I still wanted to speak with you.
I wanted you to know who I am.
I knew someone like you would suffer if I did this…
That makes me a terrible person, doesn’t it?”
I shook my head.
Because if it were me, I would probably want the person I loved to know I existed, too.
“I’m glad you got to know me, even just a little.
Thank you.
I’ll go now.”
He stood up as he said that.
After taking a few steps, he looked back at me.
“May I tell you my name?”
I nodded quietly.
“My name is Kaito.
If anything ever happens… if you’re in trouble,
just say my name in your heart.
I’ll know.
And I’ll come help you.”
I truly believed him.
After all those years of living alone,
I’m sure he had gained strength that only solitude could bring.
And I…
I might be the only one who could end his life.
“…Um…”
“What is it?”
Kaito looked at me with a gentle expression.
If I… if I’m not the one—
what happens to you? Will someone else appear for you someday?”
He gave me a sad smile before answering.
“Then I’ll have to wait… until you’re reborn.
But there’s no guarantee I’ll find you again.
Not in this world.
I don’t know when or where I might meet you next time.”
With those words, Kaito left my home.
And as soon as he was gone,
an overwhelming sadness welled up inside me.
But I couldn’t cry.
It wasn’t the kind of sadness that brings tears—
it was something far deeper,
as though all of me had been submerged somewhere dark and distant.
“…Souta… I’m sorry.”
The words escaped me in a whisper,
as if they were about to vanish.
I didn’t even know why I was apologizing.
But one thing was certain:
Kaito hadn’t lied.
Somehow… I just knew.
Every time I’ve been in a relationship,
there’s always been this quiet, underlying anxiety.
I never knew what it was.
And I think… my partners may have felt it too.
Yes—Souta as well.
But now…
Now I know what that anxiety really was.
I finally understand.
A sudden sense of dread came over me.
It scared me so much that I found myself heading straight for Shino.
I still had work tomorrow.
My mind raced, trying to recall what I had scheduled—
but as luck would have it, nothing too important was planned.
The meeting had been yesterday,
and I’d finished all the pressing deadlines today.
I had never done anything like this before.
Sure, if I were sick, I might take a day off.
But taking time off without a reason I could explain—
no, that’s just not something a responsible adult should do.
That’s not the kind of professional I am.
Besides, Shino has work tomorrow too.
She’s not someone who would casually skip work either.
So, if I arrive early, I can just wait at her place until she’s done.
Even though I felt my own actions were irrational,
I still couldn’t sit still.
And tomorrow’s Friday—
under normal circumstances, I would’ve just visited her tomorrow night.
Actually, it was supposed to be her turn to come to me.
I jumped on the bullet train,
anxiously watching the minutes tick by as it sped toward her.
Even so, the anxiety only grew stronger.
It felt like… if I didn’t go to her now, everything would fall apart.
I had to admit it:
Shino was different from every woman I’d dated before.
Without realizing it, she had become someone special to me.
So why… why did I feel like I was about to lose her?
But—Shino was home.
When I contacted her from the train, she was surprised at first.
But then she said she was happy to see me.
She even said she’d take the day off tomorrow since she had no urgent work.
That should have made me incredibly happy—
and yet, something deeper, something darker was swirling beneath the surface.
Why did her gesture make me feel even more uneasy?
“Shino… did something happen?”
She looked a little worn out.
Like she’d been through something painful.
“No, I’m okay.
But I’m really glad you came, Souta.”
That night, Shino reached for me like never before.
Her chest, though not large, was warm and soft.
I began at her chest and slowly caressed every inch of her body.
When I looked at her face,
I saw tears falling from her eyes.
“Shino… Did it hurt?”
“No… it didn’t. I’m okay.
Please, love me more…”
She whispered it softly.
So I deepened our connection,
my movements growing more intense,
my desire for her more consuming.
That night,
I held her in my arms again and again.
I never imagined Souta would come all the way to see me.
I was incredibly happy—
and yet, the pain in my chest was even stronger.
I can’t fight this.
If I don’t accept him…
he will never be able to attain what everyone else naturally receives: death.
I don’t know if death is truly a good thing.
It’s not like I want to die now.
But just imagining everyone around me dying, while I remain behind forever…
It’s unbearable.
Even if I were to stay young forever, I know I wouldn’t be able to endure it.
And yet, to have no choice but to endure…
To think that my choice alone could change that—
It’s such a heavy burden.
I can feel it—
a part of me wants to accept Kaito.
If this had happened when I wasn’t with Souta,
there wouldn’t have been anything stopping me.
I’m sorry.
I never thought I’d ever want to leave you.
Truly… I’m sorry.
As long as Souta wanted to be with me,
I wanted to stay by his side.
Even with the distance between us,
I was happy every time I got to see him.
I’m so sorry.
I don’t understand why something like this would happen to someone as ordinary as me.
It’s so far removed from reality—
and yet, the fact that I can accept it without hesitation…
makes it feel even more real.
Even so…
Souta,
I’m sure I’ll always love you.
I’m sorry.
Please—forget about me.
I woke up.
But I was in an unfamiliar room, and it seemed like no one else was there.
At first glance, it looked like a woman’s room,
but I had no memory of it at all.
I looked around and saw my clothes and belongings.
A soft, gentle scent—faintly nostalgic—lingered in the air.
When I checked the time, I realized I should’ve been at work long ago.
Panicked, I called my office—
but they told me I had already submitted a request for leave.
I had no memory of doing that. Not even a hint.
I quickly got dressed and decided to leave this woman’s house—whoever she was.
Maybe I’d gotten drunk and ended up sleeping with someone.
If that was the case, it was best to slip out before things got messy.
I put on my shoes at the entrance, and reached for the doorknob—
and suddenly, an unbearable pain gripped my chest.
When I raised my hand to my cheek,
I felt the wetness of tears.
Tears I hadn’t shed in years.
I didn’t understand what was happening—
but it felt like I had lost something… something incredibly important.
I crouched down there for a while.
It didn’t feel like I’d be able to escape this pain anytime soon.
But for now, I decided to go home.
Because that was all I could think to do.
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